A Bunch Of Forwards

Have you noticed all these!!

2004-10-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

MAY BE TRUE....!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will
have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

Funy again!!

2004-10-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

A smart Japanese child in an American School class..
on world historical events!!
It was the first day of school and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the
fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history:--
*Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw
a sea of blank faces, except for ------- --- Suzuki,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
*"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth'"?
---Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
*The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should
be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do. "She
heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs." "Who said
that?" she demanded.
--Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
*At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke [vomit]"
---The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who
said that?"
*Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck
this!"
---Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!"
*Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You
little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

---Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy
2001."
(The teacher fainted.) And as the class gathered
around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
---and Suzuki said, "Americans,... in Iraq 2004!"

Don't mess with children

2004-10-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

Dont mess with children.
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of
my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"
4. The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you
are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.

Indian politics

2004-10-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted tobe paid for going."A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family,he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medicalresearch."The last applicant was a Indian politician (Laloo Yadav).When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,"Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1million,and we'll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars."

A.A.A.D.D

2004-10-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table
and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that
there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye... they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looki ng for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but
most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get
some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember
what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got
done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

Good one!!

2004-10-06T06:12:00.000-07:00

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing
to learn but was unable to pay the fees.
The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win
my first case in the court".
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student
to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.
Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court
of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying:
"If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me
as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case,
student will still pay me because he would have won his first case.
So either way I will have to get the money".
Equally brilliant student argued back saying:
"If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything
to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose
the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet..
So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything".
This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

Laugh a while

2004-10-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

> Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
> Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
>
> Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
> Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
> Customer : No, I can't.
> Waiter : Then does it really matter?
>
> Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
> Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
>
> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
> Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
>
> Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
> Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
>
> Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
> Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
>
> Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
> Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
>
> Lady : Is this my train?
> Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
> Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train
> to New Delhi. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
> Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
> Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
> the game went into extra time.
>
> Wife : Do you want dinner?
> Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
> Wife : Yes and no.
>
> A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
> commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table
> and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded,
> "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
>
> Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two
> days time? Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
> Customer : I bet you, it won't.
> Post Master : Why not?
> Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
>
> An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
> 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long
> has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what
> been going on?' said the man.
>
> Girl : Do you love me?
> Boy : Yes Dear.
> Girl : Would you die for me?
> Boy : No, mine is undying love.
>
> 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
> 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no
> time for superstitions.
>
> Man : How old is your father?
> Boy : As old as me.
> Man : How can that be?
> Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
>
> Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
> field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
> Teacher : How?
> Student : Ladies first.
>
> Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer :
> Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
>
> Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,
> shouting,
>
> "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
> "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
> "Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
> "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and
> 20 in science."
>

Sound thoughts

2004-10-06T06:10:00.001-07:00

Take care of yourself, ... and those you love, ... today, and everyday!

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and a four-year
old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and
his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table.

But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating
rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped
the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law
became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather,"
said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food
on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at
the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was
served in a wooden bowl.

Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear
in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him
were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The
four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood
scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you
and Mama to eat your food from when I grow up."

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the
parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their
cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That
evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the
family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for
some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork
was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears
ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they
see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they
will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent
realizes that every day those building blocks are being laid for the
child's future.

Let us all be wise builders and role models.

Smile..even when annoyed!!

2004-10-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Following helps us to be Positive at all times , & keep us cheerful
After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of
other
companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share
their available office space.
At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why
these
people were alive..... and all the stories were just: L I T T L E things
As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day
because his son started late to his
kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring
donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in
time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because
of an auto accident.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to
change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as
he should have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair! of
shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he
got
there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to
buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to
answer a ringing telephone . all the little things that annoy me. I think
to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.
Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are
slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every
traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

Heights

2004-10-06T06:08:00.000-07:00

>HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:?
>A person sending email to himself.
>HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION:?
>Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match ...
>HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:?
>Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each
other.
>HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:?
>Two persons fighting through emails.
>HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:??
>Receiving no emails for a week.
>HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:?
>The email server being down.
>HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
>Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'
>HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:?
>A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting
>a
reply.
>HEIGHT OF REPETITION:?
>Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded
>back
to you By some one in the receiving chain.
>HEIGHT OF BROWSING:?
>U r swimming in the water tank and shout "F1 F1 F1?" instead of
>shouting
"HELP" when u are unable to swim...
>HEIGHT OF MY FRIENDSHIP:
>I always mail, u don't.
>HEIGHT OF HAVING NO WORK:
>You reading this mail.

Hope this doesnt happen to us!!!

2004-10-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

An American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and an Indian Computer Programmer, were on
a cruise ship. As they were standing on the open deck, watching the waves
and chatting, each one started showing off.

The Cuban took out a expensive Cuban cigar, lit it, took just one puff and
tossed it into the sea. The other guys were flabbergasted. They asked him
why he had to throw away such an expensive thing.
The Cuban replied, "Where I come from, we have plenty of these. So, it is
no big deal".

Not to be outdone, the Scotsman pulled out a new bottle of expensive scotch
whisky, opened it, took just one sip and threw the bottle into the sea. He
simply looked at the others and said
"It is no big deal! We have plenty of that stuff where I come from".
The American just grabbed the Indian Programmer and ........ him into the
sea..........
Hope nothing needs to be said after that! J

Top 9 comments during olympics

2004-10-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

Here are the Top 9 comments made by NBC sports commentators
so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

Top Comment #9
Softball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect
the same thing again."

Top Comment #8
Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Top Comment #7
Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it.
In fact you can see it all over their faces."

Top Comment #6
Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing,
but none of them really that serious."

Top Comment #5
Weightlifting commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Top Comment #4
Dressage commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience
since I once mounted her mother."

Top Comment #3
Soccer commentator:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Top Comment #2
At the rowing medal ceremony:
"Ah, isn't that nice... the wife of the IOC president is hugging
the cox of the British crew."
'Cox' is the abbreviation for 'Coxswain': the helmsman of a ship's boat or
a racing crew.
The cox is responsible for steering the boat and the only member of the
crew to face forward.
He/she also gives instructions to the crew, and may coach during training,
and gives encouragement
during races. Coxwains are also the only member of the crew obliged to wear
a lifejacket.

And if you thought all these comments were OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY,
this one take the cake with the cherry on top!!!

Top Comment #1
Tennis commentator:
"One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final
round,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said..!?!"

Not bad!!!

2004-10-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

Arguing with your Boss is like 'wrestling with a pig in mud'. After a while, you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually 'enjoying it'.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again !!!!

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it 'creative problem solving'.

Behind every 'successful woman' is a man who is surprised !!!!

Whoever said 'money can't buy happiness', didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol 'doesn't solve any problems', but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only 'alive' because it is illegal to shoot them.

I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing !!!!

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father .... - He said he wanted more proof.

Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental !!!!

Life is pleasant, death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Read this......................

2004-10-06T06:02:00.000-07:00

Raed Tihs
----- > I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

New Yorker!!!

2004-09-03T02:37:00.000-07:00

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
> Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked
> by a pit bull dog . He runs over
> and starts fighting with the dog.
> He succeeds in killing the dog
> and saving the girl's life.
> A policeman who was watching the
> scene walks over and says:
> "You are a hero, tomorrow you can
> read it in all the newspapers:
> "Brave New Yorker saves the life
> of little girl"
> The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
> "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
> 'Brave American saves life of little girl'
> " - the policeman answers.
> "But I am not an American!" - says the man.
> "Oh, what are you then?
> " The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"
> The next day the newspapers says:
> "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog
>

Gud one!!!

2004-09-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them >wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat >everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you >should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Engineers vs. Managers

2004-09-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degree north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

S/W Engineer

2004-09-02T01:40:00.000-07:00

Fundas of making your self a good S/W Engineer:

1. Never ever write a line of code that someone else can understand.

2. Make the simplest line of code appear complex.Use long names. Don't ever code
"a=b", rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore= *(int)&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

3. Type fast think slow.

4. Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros.Bury the macros in include files. References those include files indirectly from other include files.Use macros to reference those include files.

5. Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code.If they understand it they don't need you.

6. Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

7. Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you they don't need you.

8. Never complete a project on time. If you do they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don't need you.

9. When someone stops by your desk to ask a question,talk forever but don't answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don't need you.

10. Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

11. Never say hello to anyone in hallway. Absolutely never address anyone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.

12. When you are having lunch at the office canteen, never fully concentrate on your lunch. Try to get absent minded suddenly in the middle of the lunch and say to your colleague something like:"But I don't think that data page was actually locked by another RX call, rather I see the possibility of a wrong access mode." Other wise they will think you are not serious about your job and then they won't need you.

Ek Sapna ;)

2004-09-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

Here's is a dream of an Indian IT Professional.
===============================================
Year : 2020
Place: Two Americans at IBM, USA.
Currency Conversion Rate: Rs. 1/- = $ 100/-.
===============================================

Alex : Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?

John : Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.

Alex : Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict

John : Yeah, but I managed to get it.

Alex : How long it took to get it stamped?

John : Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. Thats why it got delayed. I went there at 2 am itself and waited and returned by 4 pm.

Alex : Really? In India, it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA

John : Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.

Alex : So, when are you leaving?

John : Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.

Alex : How long are you going to stay in India.

John : What do you mean by how long. I will be settled in India, my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta.(green card)

Alex : Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India.

John : Yeah, thats why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.

Alex : But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad, Bangalore and Mumbai.

John : But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.

Alex : Where did you get the offer, Chennai?

John : Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 1000/- for a single room accommodation.

Alex : I see, that's too much for US people, Rs. 1/- = $100/-. Oh God! what about in Hyderabad, Mumbai?

John : No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of Software.

Alex : I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.

John : You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs. 7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.200000/- but has got a sexy design.

Alex : By the way, who is your client?

John : Reddy and Naidu Associates, a pure Indian company, specializing in Embedded Software.

Alex : Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India. Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench. My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most livable place in India, probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.

John : Yeah man, you are right. I hope our America also follows their footsteps.

Alex : How are you going to cope with their language?

John : Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York(LOL!!!). At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent percent score in TOHIL i.e.Test of Hindi as International Language.

Alex : So, you are going to have fun there.

John : Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like,Hrithik, Govinda and all. Esselworld is also near to Bollywood.

Alex : You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.

John : That's true. Last month, Narayanamurthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at Silicon Valley and has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of Hyderabad. Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person (Bill Gates).

Alex : But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.

John : He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.

Alex : OK, Good Luck John.

John : Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say "Namaste, aap kaise hai" to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.

Worth a read!!

2004-09-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is Really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you". The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."

agree upon

2004-09-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. "Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said. "You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to
see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly. "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said "What box?" Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold
pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched
the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he valued most...was...my time." Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

4 lessons...nsoi!!!!!!

2004-09-01T05:44:00.000-07:00

>A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are
> on their way to a meeting.
>
>
>
> On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They
> rub the lamp and a ghost appears !
>
>
>
> The ghost says," Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you
> are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager
> shouted, I want the first wish.
>
> I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
> Pfufffff, and he was gone.
>
> Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to
> be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and
> cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
>
> The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office
> after lunch at 12.35pm"
>
> Lesson I : "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
>
>
>
> _____
>
>
>
> Standing in front of a paper shredding machine with a piece of paper
> in his hand.
>
> "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
> document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
>
> "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
> inserted the paper,and pressed the start button.
>
> "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
> the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
>
> Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
>
>
>
> _____
>
>
>
> An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to
> LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
> are you?"
>
> The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what
> you mean." The American repeated, What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
> Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated,
then
> yelled, "What kind of -ese are you .. Are you a Chinese,
> Japanese,Vietnamese!, etc......???"
>
> The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
>
> A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked: What
> kind of 'kee' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean
> what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
>
> The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
>
> Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
>
>
> _____
>
>
>
> There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
> French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a
> genie appeared.
>
>
>
> Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He
> said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a
> wish.
>
>
>
> When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
> pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
>
> The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
> shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
> Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
>
> Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
> immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
>
> The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
> contented with his beer pool.
>
> The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
> suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
> shouted, SH*T!!!!!!!........."
>
> Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes
> accidents do happen
>

Best of the worst!!

2004-09-01T04:49:00.000-07:00

THE BEST OF THE WORST
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from
his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit,"
he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied. "Oh ...good,"
he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
cotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had
to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,sheepishly left
the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their
intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the
counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to
make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
duty.
So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!!

LAWYERS VS INSURANCE
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the
century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet
having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed
a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the
cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won! In delivering the
ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that he claim was
frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy
from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable
and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to
pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly
appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

TOTFL (Test Of Tamil as a Foreign Language)

2004-08-29T02:01:00.000-07:00

Are you ready to take the TOTFL (Test of Tamil as a Foreign Language)?

Joot!

Questions:

1) What is a Jujubi ?

a) Something sweet
b) An easy one
c) A tough one
d) An Alwaa

2) What is Alwaa?

a) Something you find in Tirunelveli
b) What a girlfriend gives when she marries someone else
c) A laddu
d) Jujubi

3) What do you do with a Gujili?

a) Gujaals
b) Gilma
c) Gilpans
d) Galij

4) What is the respectful way to address a friend?

a) Machi
b) Sir
c) By name
d) Aiya

5) Who is a 'Frooti' ?

a) A studious person
b) A sportsman
c) The professor
d) A soft drink

6) When someone says 'nambitten', what do they mean?

a) I don't believe you!
b) Sure, I believe you
c) Are you nuts??
d) I have to catch a bus

7) Who or what is Peter?

a) A tourist
b) Someone who talks only in English
c) Peter Jones
d) Your teacher

8) For which of the following ! events will you say 'Gumbaloda Govinda'?

a) When you go to Tirupati as a group
b) When the entire gang has been caught watching 'matter'-padam
c) When you do group studies
d) Meeting a Hindi actor

9) What is a 'rupture'?
a) Kadi
b) Draabai
c) Trouble
d) Danger

10) When Someone refering to a woman as 'Seriyana Kattai' ?

a) she is genius
b) she is lean
c) she had looted all guys eyes...
d) she wears wooden chappals.

Check out the answers ...
Correct Answers:

1 - b, 2 - b, 3 - b, 4 - a, 5 - a, 6 - a, 7 - b, 8 - b, 9 - c, 10 - c

If you have scored more than 7 marks , Kalakitta maams...

Refer the following Dictionary Of Madras Tamilu to pass in this TOTFL Exam...

Allwa - To cheat
Aatha - Mother
Abase - Loot adiththal
Alppam - A silly/cheap dude
Anna - The elder brother
Anni - Anna's figure
Appeettu - Unsuccessful
Asaththal - Kalakkal
Bajari - A not-so-friendly figure
Bandha - Pillim
Bekku - Fool
Body - Muscular Machi
Chithee - Aunty Figure
Dapsa/Doop - Lie
Desi Gujili - An Indian figure in US
Dhil - Courage
Dhool - Super
Dham - To smoke
Daavu - Site seeing
Dickielona - A friendly game played in Delhi (courtesy Movie : Gentleman)
Damaram - Deaf
Dori - Squint-eyed Figure item - Young/Attractive Lady/Women/Girl
Freeyaavidu - Forget it
Gaali - Appeettu
Gujili - Figure
Guru - Head of the gang
Gujaals - Having fun with Gujilis
Gaanapaattu - Rap song sung by Machis
Galeej - Dirty
Gilli, Goli - Traditional games played in Madras
Goltti - A dude from Andhra
Jakku - An exclamation on seeing a not-so-Takkar figure (see Jil below)
Jollu - Bird watching
Jilpaans - Gujaals
Jute - Escape when caught up by girlfriend's father.
Jujubi - Easy
Jil - An exclamation on seeing a Takkar figure
Jalsa - Same as Gujaals
Kaattaan - Uncivilized/ Rude Machi
Kenai - Idiot
Kikku / Mabbu - Intoxicated/under influence
Kalakkalls - To cause a flutter
Kanai pakri - Friend of ushar pakri
Kindal - To make Fun
Kaka adikarathu - Putting soaps to someone
K M L - Kedacha Mattum Labam
Kutti - Figure
Kudumba figure - Homeloving Gujli
Kudumba paatu - A song with which machis identify themselves
Kulls - A short machi
Laddu - Allva
Loot adiththal - to steal
Maams - One cool dude
Maanga - Fool
Machi - Maams
Mandai - A sharp guy
Mary - feminine of Peter
Mavu - refer O B.
Nachunu - Bull's eye
Nambitten - I don't believe you
Naattu Katt! ai - A well-built village figure
Naattan - Villager
Naamam - To cheat
Naina - Father (courtesy Telugu)
Kadalai - Machi talking to a Gujili or vice versa
OB - To waste time
Ottal - To make fun of some one
Ondrai anna - Worthless
Pattaani - Machi talking to Machi or Gujli talking to Gujli
Peter Party - Machi trying to show off by talking in hi-fi english
Pathni - A figure who goes around the block
Pakkri - A shrewd dude
Petta - Area
Pisaaththu - Cheap
Pillim - Show-off
Peela - To lie
Rambo - A manly figure
Sister - Often used by Machis while Approching Figures for the first time
Songi - Lazy
Saanthu pottu - Possibility of getting beaten by a stick (courtesy Movie : Thevar Magan)
Takkar figure - Semma figure
Thanni - Liquor
Thalaivar - Leader
Tin katrathu - Getting into trouble (courtesy Movie: Anjali)
Ushar pakri - Smart pakri
Vennai - Fruit
Weightaana figure - A very attractive/rich figure
Wrong kaatrathu - Acting indifferently

2004-08-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Software Engineer's Wedding Invitation